


A Pain That I'm Used To

by xGlitterBabyx (MysticSorcha)



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Character Death, Coping, Emotional, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Mention of Death, losing a loved one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-17
Updated: 2012-08-17
Packaged: 2017-11-12 07:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticSorcha/pseuds/xGlitterBabyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>No one tells you how to feel when a loved one dies.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Pain That I'm Used To

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of sequel to "Halleluja". Kind of, meaning that i have a real one in the works, but this was an exercise in getting my own emotions out to deal with the very recent (not even 24 hours ago) loss of my wonderful Grandmother. Thank you for letting me get this out.
> 
> Also this is unbeta'd, i didn't have the patience to wait to post this--it would just be too hard if i waited.
> 
> Fill for: 10_Hurt_Comfort -- Death

No one tells you how to feel when a loved one dies. There isn't a class you can take, or a handbook, really. Yes, there are pamphlets and counselors that tell you "it's okay to miss them, okay to cry," but that's not really giving you any instruction as how to feel--to _know_ what you're feeling.

How do you correctly explain that black hole in your chest or the blank fog that takes over your brain?

_Dead,_ Tommy thinks, _I feel dead._

He snorts humorlessly at that ironic emotion as he curls under the covers tighter, willing sleep to take him back under. It doesn’t come—in fact it’s just sitting there staring at him like it has no idea what it should be doing.

Pulling the pillow from the other side of the bed closer, he covers his head with it, blocking out the morning sun.  It smells like Adam, making his gut wrench and tears prickling behind his eyelids.

It hadn’t even been five hours, but it felt like an eternity—in fact time felt like it had stopped completely, as if he were in limbo. The sun came up, but time wasn’t passing for Tommy.

Or it was, and he felt like finding whoever was in charge of it to beat the living shit out of them for not stopping time to let him mourn—to respect Adam’s death.

A sob broke from his chest, breaking the silence that was suffocating the room. “Fuck, _Adam_!”

_Why?_

Tommy moaned into the pillow, curling deeper in on himself and let the tears fall. They didn’t last long, maybe a minute or two before the cold numbness took over again.  He felt guilty—shouldn’t he be crying more? Bawling uncontrollably?

His face screwed up in pain and he threw the covers off, giving up on sleep. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he glanced at his phone before picking it up and tapping the number out.

_“Hello?”_

He had to fight back a sob. “Hey, Isaac…it’s—it’s Tommy.”

_“Hey, man…how you holding up?”_

“I don’t even fucking know.” He responded honestly.

There was a pause, _“what do you need, I’m here for anything.”_

“Can you—can you get me out of here? I need to just…I can’t be here right now.”

Another pause. _“Of course, yes that’s a great idea. Want me to come get you?”_

“Please?” Tommy asked meekly.

Isaac chuckled softly. “I’ll be there soon—go shower, Adam wouldn’t want you to let go, okay?”

“Thanks, man…” Tommy smiled faintly—he had amazing friends.

_“Always, dude.”_

Isaac was right, he had to keep living.  Adam wouldn’t want Tommy stopping his life—to stop _living_ , because of him.

He smiled, imagining Adam pushing him out of bed on his hardest days after he’d lost his father.  He’d like to lie to himself and say that after losing someone, losing another was easier.

It wasn’t, and he mentally slapped himself for even thinking that to begin with.  He sighed, standing up to wander into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

He could do this, he wouldn’t ever be alone.

_Thank you, Adam, I will always love you._

 


End file.
